My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
