The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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