Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
