I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
