I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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