She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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