I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize