When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
