mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
