so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
