just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
