Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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