i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize