i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
