id be glad to
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
