i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
