You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
