My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
