Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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