I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
