that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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