These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
