there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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