You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
