So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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