last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
