My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
