I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
