I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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