Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
