My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
