My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize