Old men and throwing up are my life now.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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