Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
