They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
