1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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