textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize