I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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