She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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