Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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