Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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