South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
