girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
