Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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