Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
