I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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