somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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