I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
