i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what day is it and did you see me today?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
