so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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