watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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