Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
