he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
