First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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