a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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