she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
