Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
