I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
