Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
