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Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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