I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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