We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
