the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
