Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
