It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
