Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
