Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
