hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
