when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there was a trapeze. enough said
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
