I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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