I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
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