My sheets look like a crime scene.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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