Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
