Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
